The Green Russian
by The Unaligned
Summary: Bo drops Kenzi at the Dal after a case. She is promptly joined by her least favourite Dark fae valkyrie who is already mid bender. Drunken blithering and hi-jinks ensue. Grab a tasty beverage!


A/N: Ok, let's take a shot at this one-shot thing. I should probably know how it ends before I start writing it so it doesn't end up being a bazillion-finity words long. So I'm going to keep the ideas small. This takes place somewhere mid-season 3 before le merde started hitting le fan. Fangirloutlet and alcohol inspired this story. Thanks to both!

I do music recommendations for reading the stuff I write. Just paste the below "watch(whatever)" bit after the "/" bit on the YouTube. Make sense?

Play: watch?v=16bRiH5zfOY

"Underfae are pretty much the worst things ever!" Kenzi declared as she sat herself down at the bar holding the side of her face.

Trick seemed less than interested as he absent mindedly poured her a beer and pushed it towards her without so much as a glance. She wanted to tell him what had happened on her and Bo's latest mis-adventure but his phone rang and he shuffled down the bar to answer it.

"Hey Kenzi, can't talk now, super important fae stuff. You wouldn't understand, have beer. Humans love beer," she mocked him while she held the cold glass up to her eye. It was soothing, and less gross than Bo's usual suggestion of steak. Seriously! Who puts raw meat on their face when they get hit? Yuck! She'd rather be punched in the face again.

"Taking beer goggles a bit literally there aren't ya?" The familiar snark of one of her least favorite fae trickled into Kenzi's ear like a hand full of sand.

'Tasmsin sooooo sucks' was all she could think to herself as the blonde bitch sat down beside her. All Dark fae pretty much suck, Kenzi hated the way they looked at her. The same way she was sure cheese pizza hated the way she looked at it. But she hated Tamsin in particular for more or less pretending like that wasn't the case.

Her beer was starting to warm up as her face cooled down. She figured that if she were going to have to socialize with the valkyrie she'd need a few more face temperature beers. Her eye was dead sore and being nice to Tamsin gave her a headache.

"Nice shiner! Let me guess, you ran into a door knob?" Tamsin nearly laughed herself off the bar stool.

'Was she already drunk?' Kenzi wondered. "For your information we bagged a three headed monster dog today," Kenzi said proudly downing the last of her pint hoping Tamsin would just go away and that her beer would fill its self up again. More beer and less valkubitch was exactly what this moment needed.

"Fuck, really?" Tamsin blurted out. "A cerberus! Is Bo ok?" She looked awfully impressed. Well impressed and shit faced. Probably more faced than impressed.

"She had a headache or a scratch or something, she's with Lauren," Kenzi mumbled into her empty glass. Bo would take any excuse for some doctor - patient lovin'. Sometimes she wondered if Bo took on deliberately dangerous cases just for a reason to see Lauren afterwards. It wouldn't surprise her. "Oh, I'm fine by the way," she added indignantly.

Tamsin scrunched her face up at the mention of the doctor. "So who do I have to kill for a drink around here?" Tamsin said slightly louder than necessary.

Trick had vacated the bar to take his phone call somewhere more private.

Kenzi shrugged her shoulders, "Who do you normally kill for liquor?" She joked.

Tamsin made a serious face, as if she were recalling people she'd actually killed for booze. "Leprechauns... and once a centaur, couldn't mix a margarita to save his life. Literally, oh man he was funny, with the crying and the begging and..." She trailed off with a silly laugh as she looked back to the human.

Kenzi just stared at her worriedly.

Tamsin checked over her shoulder, the place was pretty empty, "I suppose Trick won't mind if I play bartender," she giggled as she hopped her butt on top of the bar and swivelled her legs around before falling face first to the other side.

Kenzi smiled in triumph as if she had actually willed the drunk valkyrie to finally fall.

She was still smiling when Tamsin bounced back to her feet glasses in hand. Kenzi watched as the blonde grabbed several different bottles off the shelves, a shaker, ice and heavy cream from the fridge.

"Uh I'll just have another beer thanks," Kenzi said with a quizzical look.

"Noooope, you'll have what I'm having," Tamsin smiled as she surveyed her ingredients.

Tamsin threw a bunch of everything in the shaker and shook the living daylights out of it before pouring the pale green liquid into two tall glasses filled with ice.

She handed one to Kenzi with a sly smile, "here, drink this."

Kenzi wondered how someone who smelled like a brewery exploded inside a Malaysian sweat shop could still seem so self-confident. She must be really, really drunk.

She held the glass of ice cold green-ness in her hand for a moment while she contemplated its contents. Probably poison she thought as she put the glass back down on the bar.

Tamsin on the other hand had already taken several large mouthfuls from her glass and was just standing behind the bar looking at the ceiling with a creepy open mouth smile.

"It's poison isn't it?" Kenzi asked jokingly. Though she considered she might only be half joking. Tamsin was Dark fae after all.

Tamsin snapped right out of whatever the fuck she was doing and looked at Kenzi, "alcohol _is_ poison dummy," she slurred as she leaned herself against the inside of the bar. It looked as though she thought she had made some great contribution to existence with that revelation.

Kenzi decided to play along, "So why are you drinking so much of it then?"

"Because there's stuff inside me that I need to kill," the valkyrie responded before taking another drink. "Now you!" She commanded eagerly, "I made it specially for your face. It looks all angry and beat up."

'Well, what's the worst that could happen?' Kenzi thought. Tamsin seemed fine. Drunk as fuck, but fine. She lifted the glass to her lips to take a sip as Tamsin reached across the bar and gave the bottom end of the glass a bump. Kenzi ended up taking more than the little sip she intended.

She placed the glass down on the bar coughing and choking. The drink, whatever it was, tasted like a mixture of toothpaste and premium unleaded fuel at first. Then, after that, she couldn't describe what the taste was. It was cold, refreshing and if she had to put a word to it that word would be 'winning'.

"What did I just put in me?" Kenzi asked as words finally returned to her.

Tamsin, who had been watching intently from the other side of the bar cracked up and proceeded to laugh herself to tears.

Play: watch?v=h69I-231X8I

Kenzi rolled her eyes, even her laugh was annoying. She took another look at the mystery drink. It definitely contained alcohol, by the initial taste of it the drink was mostly alcohol. It would certainly do the trick, until _The Trick_ returned from his 'important fae are more important than Kenzi' phone call. She took another drink, this time an intentional mouthful as the valkyrie was still dying of laughter.

The taste wasn't so harsh the second time. It was more subdued, creamier, but still minty at first. Beyond that Kenzi still couldn't figure out what it tasted like or what was in it.

Tamsin came around the bar to sit next to Kenzi again. "You might be the only human alive who's ever taken on a cerberus," she smiled again, this time not sarcastically. "How's the face?"

Kenzi had another drink before responding. Tamsin had already finished half of hers. "Whatever this is, it's helping," she said as she swirled the milky green liquid in the glass.

"Thought you might like it," Tamsin said as the pair watched Trick walk back in behind the bar.

Trick's brow furrowed as he looked at Kenzi, he looked at the drinks in front of them and the bottles placed haphazardly behind the bar counter.

"It's just a black eye, I'll be fine. I'm feeling a lot better already," Kenzi said reassuringly thinking Trick had finally noticed her injury.

Tamsin chortled in the seat next to her, "Shhhhh, shhhhhh," she insisted to Trick with a big dumb smile on her face.

Trick lifted one of the bottles Tamsin had used up from behind the bar, "you just had to use my Thujone Valley absinthe didn't you?" He asked her looking cross.

"I, er... " Kenzi began.

"I made them," Tamsin exclaimed proudly as she downed the rest of her drink before falling gracelessly backwards off of her bar stool to the floor, spilling the remaining ice in her glass onto the floor. She just lay there staring up at the ceiling while the gawking open mouth grin returned.

'Absinthe, that was the weird taste' Kenzi thought. She couldn't think of any cocktails with absinthe in them though. 'Ah well, if it tastes good' she thought as she reached for the glass.

"Think you could help me help her up Trickster?" Kenzi asked, drink in hand.

"Sure, just one thing first," he handed Kenzi a small mirror from behind the bar whilst shaking his head. "What do you see?"

Kenzi's jaw dropped. She was green. Glowing, bright, fucking green. Cartoon radioactive green.

She placed the mirror and the drink on the bar and sat back down on her stool. "So it was poison. Am I going to die now? Am I stuck like this?" She asked with a notable lack of emotion. She considered the fact that she really should be more worried but she wasn't feeling particularly worried about anything at the moment. It was kinda nice and kinda weird at the same time.

"No, no. Nothing like that. The colour change is just a side effect, it'll go away when you sober up." He said reassuringly.

Kenzi wasn't sure, but she could swear the old barkeep was working to suppress a smile.

"Why isn't she glowing green then?" Kenzi asked trick pointing to the obviously wasted pile of valkyrie talking to herself on the floor.

"She's fae. Thujone Valley absinthe is brewed by a certain family of pixies in the Czech Republic. It causes powerful feelings of ataraxia followed by some rather interesting and generally quite entertaining hallucinations, and a healthy green glow in the case of humans. Plus its five hundred dollars a bottle. So, all in all not for human consumption." He looked up at the emerald human and bit his tongue. "There's a reason I said no top shelf. Everything else here is just regular liquor."

Kenzi reached for the glass. "I don't know what ataraxia is, but it feels pretty comfy. Let's check out these hallucinations."

Trick threw his hands in the air in mock frustration and shook his head. "I guess you're not interested in helping her up any more?" he asked pointing to Tamsin who was now singing an Arsenal F.C. chant of some sort to the tune of _'Rule Britannia'_. Still lying on her back on the pub floor.

"Fuck her, she poisoned me all green," Kenzi said as she took another large drink from the glass.

"I'm going to let Bo know she has some drunkards to collect tonight," Trick smiled as he walked down the bar to his phone. "You should probably roll her onto her side if you don't want her to swallow her tongue and choke to death." He added to Kenzi.

"Uh oh," Tamsin stopped her surprisingly tuneful singing "looks like coitus interrupts for bobaliscious," she said before sticking her tongue out and making a stupid face. Correction Kenzi thought, a stupider face.

Kenzi decided to take Trick's advice and roll Tamsin over. The probably hallucinated unicorns didn't look like they were going to be much help.

"What do you call this drink anyways?" Kenzi asked as she rolled Tamsin onto her side with some difficulty before finishing off the last of her wonder drink.

"I'm thinking we call it a green Russian"

A/N: AAAAND nobody died! Though I think Tamsin finally hit rock bottom. By the way the green Russian is a "real" drink. Two parts absinthe (if you've got magic fae absinthe then go right ahead), Two parts vodka, two parts heavy cream and one part crème de menthe (a part is a shot if you're making it for one drink). Pour all of that into a shaker full of ice and shake the living fuck out of it. Then strain the contents into a tall glass full of ice. A Tom Collins glass (410ml capacity) works nicely. I wish I had one right now. It's hot as hell here and a cold drink that is mostly alcohol would do nicely. I might try replacing the cream with Baileys of some kind. Make yourself one and let me know in the comments/(reviews or whatever) how you liked it!


End file.
